I don’t seem to understand why when I thought things were going to get back on track, it turned out that it all only got worse. It’s truly as a rollercoaster with thousands of up and downs which could be easily described as never-ending. Why when you think your heart can be healed, you are harmed once again? Why when you only give love, you receive rejection from the other side? Why can’t things be clear? Why can’t I understand that I lost this game? I don’t want to give up although it seems to be the best way out to stop hurting others and especially to stop hurting myself. Maybe I wouldn’t be giving up, but I would be giving myself another chance to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t want to do what everybody advises me to do… I guess I feel like I’m losing that persons which in less than expected, got to be a really important person in my life, a person who I still consider to be my best friend. And I read, with an aching heart, “why, when hurt, you don’t know whether to heal the wound or to let yourself drown in it?” I have no idea who this could be written to, but it is something I could translate into my own situation. I am hurt. I’ve been hurt. I’m still being hurt. It’s always easy to say “love yourself and stop this situation that is clearly hurting you”, but when you’re the one living the hellish situation, then it becomes much harder. I don’t think I am asking much, I just want to have what we used to have.
I don’t regret having done anything of what I did because I think things happen for a reason and if that happened, then there’s something good we can get out of it. It’s just that it’s taking too long to appear, I don’t see clear, I cannot see that damned light at the end of the tunnel. Why is it that my heart feels like it is losing something he might have never had? Why don’t I have the courage to express my own feelings? A friend of mine was telling me not long ago that I should state clearly what I want to get in order to make things clear because –according to him- I was probably letting everything on the air and that might have led everything to a huge misunderstanding, and this misunderstanding might be leading things to a different path which things should have never taken in the first place, and second, that this misunderstanding was undermining the chances to better the situation.
Sometimes I just wished my heart would stop beating, or that I was ran over by a huge car and it killed me. Sometimes I wished I was free. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t who I am. I have wished so many things so many times but I never seem to achieve anything. Sometimes when I am walking on the street and I go across the road, I have really wished that a distracted driver would just kill me and he ended with my pain… Sometimes I even walk slowly in the hope that someone appears and kills me. But I guess I live in the wrong city or I walk on very safe streets because nothing of that has happened to me.
Why can’t I stop crying? Why am I allowing this shit affects me this much? Why have I fallen so down? Why does my heart cling to someone it will never have?